Life As I Know It

I have way too many fears.

I love to daydream, and I always imagine myself overcoming the issues I have within me. It's nice to see myself as that fearless, adventurous character; in my head at least. However, the truth is I'm not. I really am not. I have so many doubts, so many excuses, so many things going through my mind that would eventually hold me back from propelling myself forward.

Where do I start? I mean where do I push the restart button to change myself, and start anew; become a different person who doesn't hesitate and just do things as she likes? If only things can be as simple. For example, I have this fear of driving. It scares the hell out of me, seriously. Despite the fact that I managed to attain my driver's license at 18, driving is not my forte. I can drive, sure I can. I learned how to, but I'm just terrified of steering the car; of me controlling it's movement. Other vehicles on the road, especially lorries and motorcycles; they scare the crap out of me. Many people would definitely not understand why I have to be that scared; I myself don't know why. I was once involved in an accident, but alhamdulillah my aunt and I were fine. Maybe I was traumatised, or maybe I am weak-hearted as well.

The question now, how do I overcome that fear of mine? It's quite a problem, because we need to go here and there; in order to do so I need to drive lah obviously! It's very limiting because I have to depend on others to take me somewhere. I can drive within the area I live in, but that's about it. Tomorrow, my friends are planning for a swimming sesh in Putrajaya; that's like 45-minutes drive from Shah Alam. If Mimi wants to join them, Mimi has to drive herself there. She is contemplating right now. She knows she can drive, but she is just scared of the idea of her driving on the highway, with all the lorries and cars on the same road.

The only thing that is standing in her way right now is that fear. Ketakutan. If she can fight it, she might be able to enjoy her time swimming with her friends tomorrow. She might, or maybe she will?

As I stare out my window,
Deep inside I feel hollow.
Frustration is building inside me,
I just want to break free.

Too much expectations can really kill,
Now I don't really know what to feel.
No one to help me as I sway,
I realised that things don't always go my way.

Oh Lord have mercy,
As I'm slowly trying to see,
The good things You've bestowed upon me.

Please help me.

I was surprised to see that my last post on this blog was exactly one year ago. One year. I have not written anything for the past year! I don't know what happened to me. But I guess my brain was not really up for writing, or maybe it was just me being lazy. I don't know. I felt very unproductive. No, not unproductive but uninspired. Yes, I did not have much inspiration to get my hands all excited and lose themselves on the keyboard. Weird. Last year had been one of the most amazing year in my twenty-two years here on planet Earth. Like seriously.

Why was 2014 one of the best year you may ask? Well, nothing really big happened except for the fact that I GOT MARRIED last year. Uhuh. And how in the world was I able to get married even though I still have one year left to finish my degree? I myself am not so sure. It was somewhat unplanned. Don't get me wrong, what I meant was my initial plan was to actually marry my fiancé after I graduate from dental school. However, God had already planned everything beforehand and I am already a wife now. It had been five months since the day we tied the knot and life had been nothing but amazing up till now, alhamdulillah. Do I have any regrets getting hitched in my early 20s? Nope, not at all. Instead I feel happy and very blessed to have been given such a wonderful life companion. I am still me, and I still am able to hang out with my friends and go cray-cray with them. My husband and I, we are still embracing our youth and exploring life's adventure together :)

Photographed by Bloogedbydeen

The year 2014 also saw me stepping on the grounds of the country that I had been longing to visit ever since I was a little kid. England. The ever so majestic England (well, at least in my eyes). I don't really know why but I had love anything British ever since.. forever? I love how gloomy it looks on TV, I love the buildings and how historical they are, I love the accents, I love the history that I even read up on King Henry and their monarchy history and I prefer writing in British English rather than American English. I don't really favour "-ized"and to me it's colour and not color. So yeah, I really bajet British one. Finally after years of wishful thinking, it became a reality. Mimi had been to England. Growing up, I had really been an avid fan of Chelsea FC and the legendary Frank Lampard. 11 years ago, I had wished to visit Stamford Bridge (Chelsea's stadium) and I finally did. Don't ask me how emotional I got. The whole trip was emotionally moving, because it felt so surreal. I still can't believe that I've been there. I will always remember the feeling that I felt when I first set foot on their grounds. I hope to see you again, and the next time around I'll go there with my husband inshaAllah.

I even went to the Harry Potter Studio. It was da bomb diggity!

Though 2014 had been one of the most joyful year, it had also been one of the toughest year for me, emotionally and physically. It saw me entering my final year in Alexandria University. My fifth year in the Faculty of Dentistry. CCC, the most gruelling thing a dental student can ever encounter in their journey throughout dental school. What is it actually? CCC is Comprehensive Clinical Care. It requires us to have two patients in that one semester. One semester is approximately three months, and within those three months we had to restore and care for everything in the patient's mouth. EVERYTHING. Scaling is a must, and if they have problems with their root canal then they will require a root canal treatment. That ain't easy I tell you, especially if they are molars. Been through it, and it had really torn me apart, emotionally mainly. And if they have a few missing teeth then they will need bridge. Or if they have many missing teeth then we need to make a partial denture for them. Apart from that, we have requirements that we need to meet and we still have to make a complete denture for a complete edentulous patient (someone who had lost their teeth completely).

This is one of my CCC patient, Amira

Actually, I was only left with two months to do all that because we the 'Nurs' (geng-geng number giliran last last) got our patient later on in the semester. It was not just clinical work, we still have theory CCC exam and also, we need to present our CCC case to the big doctors. When I say big, I don't mean they are literally big but they are the great and experienced doctors who had been working in their respective departments for about twenty years or more. It was scary at first, thinking of presenting in front of them. But alhamdulillah, it went quite well. The doctors did not gave us bashful comments and what not, instead they discussed about the things we had been working on and what are the alternatives and so on. Of course, we the 'Nurs and Nurul' were the last group of people to present. That was why it was even scarier for me. I can't even put into words the roller coaster of emotions I've faced in those three months. I was falling apart, and it was very very painful. The tears I've shed, it would definitely fill a bucket. Call me overdramatic, but that was the story. Hehe.

Post-presentatiom

Currently, I am on my winter break after having faced a horrifying ninth semester. Of course I decided to return to Malaysia for this one month break for a very obvious reason. Hiks. Alhamdulillah, I've been back for almost two weeks and life is good. Being able to spend time with your family and husband is definitely one of the many blessings in life. Three months of living the single life, I am now back in my husband's arms. Back to doing my wifely routine; preparing breakfast for him before going to work, doing his laundry, taking care of his needs in general. I've missed all that. I am really happy to be back home.



Thank You God for all the wonderful things in life, and also the bad ones too. Thank You for giving me the greatest year ever so far, and I hope 2015 will be even better. To many more adventures and life-shaping experiences. And inshaAllah this year will be the year I will graduate as a dentist. May Allah ease everything. Do pray for my classmates and I. Dentists of 2015 inshaAllah! Perhaps we can start thinking of Hakim junior and Mimi junior after that? Hiks. We leave the rest to God, and in Him we believe. Kunfayakun.

XOXO